I have a cold. And I am a big baby.
When I have a cold I like to burrow under a blankie on the sofa and read books by Mindy Kaling and watch John Hughes movies (Jake Ryan!) (Duckie!) and eat lots of really salty snacks and drink hot toddies. I actually like to do these things all the time, but giving me a cold gives me an excuse to do them in the middle of the day.
But there is a reason I cannot do these things in the middle of the day. Even when I am sick. My kids won’t let me. This latest virus I’ve nursed reminds me of that kid in Jerry Maguire who said that dogs and bees can smell fear. (This is actually true. I looked it up on Yahoo Answers so it is verifiably legit.)
Because kids can smell sick. And I don’t mean because I barfed or let myself go au natural in honor of the cold. I mean my kids can smell that I need a break and they respectfully and politely decline my request. Or maybe not so respectfully and politely.
They seem to pick up on some microscopic change in the household climate. Some subtle tiny shift in the air. Or something more overt like me saying, “Excuse me, my little doves. Can you help me out today by being super good for mommy because I don’t feel so well and I need to take it easy.”
And they oblige mommy by acting like total freaks. At least that’s what my kids do.
Some of my friends (You know who you are. Lucky jerks.) have children who love all over each other no matter what. Who play peacefully for hours during non-sick times, and when mommy or daddy is sick they get even nicer and more adorably helpful.
Not mine. The very act of me lying down on the sofa makes my children start stabbing each other in the eyes with poo-covered sticks while they throw plastic princess shoes at each other’s teeth and scream into my poor, sick, bleeding ear for me to intervene. Okay the ears weren’t actually bleeding. At least they weren’t until the hollering started.
Am I alone in this? Who’s with me? This is an embarrassing loser-parenting moment to cop to, I admit. Which leads me to think of a few more embarrassing things that I need to get off my chest. But I’m going to save those for another blog post. On a day when I’m not a sick baby.