I’ll admit these things anyway because it’s fun to read dirt on other people. Maybe you will feel less bad about yourself, like you’re not such a weirdo after all. And then maybe you’ll share some of your dirt with me! Don’t panic. I’m not going to get into any freaky sex stuff or bathroom behavior. These are just your run of the mill All-American-white-girl small humiliations.
I started this kick with a confession that my kids act like tools when I am sick. But I feel better now and I have plenty more to share. Here are a few:
- I like to eat crackers with butter on them crouched over the sink when my kids are not paying attention. I only do this when I am utterly alone and no one can see me except the Asian granny who lives across the street and peeks through her blinds down into my kitchen window. This is not a bulimia thing. I ingest the calories and use them as fuel to go about my busy day of writing unique and hilarious web content, yelling at my children, and sneaking away to lie down and watch Funny or Die videos on my phone. I have indulged this secret snack this for years. Ask my sister.
- In first grade I threw a plastic cup at my friend Kristina’s head. We were playing. I wasn’t mad or trying to hurt her on purpose. We were being silly on her driveway and it got out of hand. The 70s olive green Tupperware was apparently actually made of titanium and it split her forehead open. She had to get stitches. Her mom was the school librarian and she glared at me every Thursday in library after that. Somehow I managed to become a freakish book-lover in spite of my burning shame.
- I hate going to the vet in San Francisco. They judge me for not putting my cat’s needs above my children’s health and happiness and well-being. And I’m a good pet-owner. Please don’t start flaming me, cat-people, but even though I love the kitty I put the needs of the human kids first. My shame has led me to opt out of veterinarian visits completely, and I make my husband take the cat.
- When I was in 7th grade I caught the bottoms of my bathing suit on the rudder of a Sunfish sailboat and mooned the entire summer camp watching from the shore. Instead of telling me that it was cool and it was no big deal and it happens to everyone and someday it will make for humorous blog-post fodder, the mother-effing University of Texas Kappa Kappa Gamma counselors LAUGHED at me along with the kids. Bitches.
Whoo! That was intense, wasn’t it? But I feel so much better now that I’ve shared some of my more embarrassing experiences. Now it’s your turn!
P.S. Embarrassing thing #5: A new embarrassing moment, while searching for images to go along with this post. Never ever ever Google “80s sorority image” while your children are in the room.