Men! Dads! Fathers! Listen to me!
It’s Father’s Day. Do you want to seal the deal tonight with your lady? Do you want to get a little Father’s Day action? Then do yourself and your junk a favor and pay attention to me right now!
Heed my words, dads of the world, and get lucky. Because these fashion no-no’s are deal breakers for the woman in your life. Trust me. Wear these things only if you DON’T feel like getting it on tonight because they are the sartorial equivalent of taking a cold shower.
Fashion deal killers for dads:
Barefoot running shoes. If you are a hard-core athlete and those oddball separated toe-shoes shave a zillionth of a second off your 10k, then so be it. I support you in your quest to hone your manly physique. But please take them off before you go to your friend’s house for a barbeque or the mall or anywhere else in public. On behalf of all of my lady peers, who get skeezed by the fin-like joint definition provided by these shoes, thank you.
Dad Pants. When I say Dad Pants, I am actually referring to an entire Dad Ensemble that hinges on a particularly bad pair of shorts. These are shorts that more closely resemble capri pants because they are so ginormous that they graze the ankles of the wearer. Dudes who sport Dad Pants also wear very large white sneakers with very large white socks and a very large, un-tucked striped polo shirt that looks like it came from Men’s Express in 1997. The entire effect is very unsettling and definitely unsexy.
Old concert t-shirts from your youth that prove you are still cool. Please, for public outings, get a decent-fitting t-shirt in a dark color that was made sometime in the last decade and doesn’t have pit stains or the words “Grateful Dead” or “Rotterdam ‘89” fading across the torso. Some things are better left for yard work. Your woman will appreciate this and you will still know that you are cool in your heart.
Now, let me take a quick minute to apologize for always using the term “woman” and “wife” in this situation. I don’t mean to be so heteronormative here, but I think that the gay dads have the whole fashion thing covered and don’t need any help from me.
Anyway, final daddy-fashion deal killer: anything with any combination of the words “Ed” and “Hardy.” Seriously. Do I even have to tell you this?
Note: The original premise for this post was going to be men’s fashion that would be a deal breaker for me if I was a single woman looking for a man. But my husband said it sounded too much like I was working out some sort of loser dating fantasy. So I revised. Honestly, this is all just a context to critique men’s fashion that makes me wince in embarrassment for the wearer. Thank you.