Yes, I realize that the season finale of The Walking Dead was a few weeks ago. Yes, I know that in our zillion-mile-per-hour media climate I might as well be writing about Eight is Enough. But I have 10,000 (or 3) children and a job and a mostly nice husband and a couple of cute friends I like to hang out with sometimes and many important YouTube videos to watch.
Anyway, I did watch the season finale. And, like many other people on the internets, I have a few things to say about it. Without further ado, here is what I thought about while watching the season finale of The Walking Dead.
Where is my magazine?
Not the gun thing with the bullets. I mean, where is that paper publication that arrives in my mailbox with regular frequency? Because I hide behind a magazine when things get too gross with the walkers getting stabbed in the faces. I know that multi-tasking is not good for the brain, but watching Rick and his squad gives me excellent time to get caught up on husband’s GQ
When the zombies come I will loot the sporting goods store first.
Here’s my looting list: Powerade drinks. Protein bars. Baseball bat. Helmet. Sporty medical supplies. Full umpire suit (because walker bites). Crossbow (because Daryl). Warriors shirt (because Steph Curry).
I will also shave my head.
I am vain as hell about my luscious wad of hay hair that defies conditioner. But zombies grab things. Vanity be damned. Rick’s team needs to go full Sigourney Weaver and remove all potential handles for the undead.
How do they poo?
Not the zombies, silly. How do the regular, non-zombie people use the facilities when they are on the run and doing battle with the living and the dead? Do they go in the RV loo? Do they pull over and make Carl stand guard? Do they just go in their pants all the time because the zombies are coming and for the love of pete get your machete out and run?!
Along those same lines, what’s up with all the women’s clean armpits?
Yes I foster an unhealthy obsession with the bodily functions and grooming habits of this gorgeous, hairless team of survivors.
And why do only beautiful, skinny people with very nice jackets survive in The Walking Dead universe?
Hot, multicultural, and totally still fuckable are the requirements for life in the zombie apocalypse. Why are they wearing nice jackets? Don’t they know they need body armor? See above re sporting goods store.
What’s up with Negan?
Was Robert Downey Jr. not available? And speaking of very nice jackets…does he make his army of mean guys wash his dapper coat and scarf so he stays fresh? How is it so clean? Or did he pull a new outfit off a person he just murdered?